I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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