she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
