Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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