The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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