So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
