Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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