i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
