I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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