____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
why is half of my head shaved?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
