i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
