Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
