Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
