She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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