Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
