New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
