Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
operation harelip BJ is a go
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
