omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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