when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
