just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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