WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
