My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Im part way to drunk.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
