any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Randomize
