I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
