Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
That accounts for only three of the penises
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
