seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
i think my cat just said my name.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
