My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
