Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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