mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
