A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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