you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
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Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We were destined to go to rehab together
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SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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