Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
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I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
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