Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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