Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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