we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
