How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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