Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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