It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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