Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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