I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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