I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
