They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
