So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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