If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
