tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
