She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
