All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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