Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
