Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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