Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
