The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
