I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
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I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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