I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
