She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
honey bunches of taint.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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