Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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